do you realize you are still carrying my heavy heart?
maybe i was the one who needed to change.
because when i talked to him after 1 and a half years,
I was the one who felt different.
I had been the one to change; and for good, I hope.
I didn’t know how to talk because I did not know what to say.
I muddled through, pretending I didn’t know him;
Pretending I had never known him.
But still real; I needed to be real.
Not to prove any points or come off as strong,
but to be me b/c “I’m free to be me”.
What am I still holding onto?
I was expecting to feel repulsed; sickened by the old expression.
Instead, I was drawn in.
Captured by the once Prince Charming.
I’m sad b/c I see my fault.
An un-reciprocated love that finally realized actuality when it was already too late.
So i’m not here to prove a point or sap up on regret.
but what did i do wrong?
again, what was the defining moment?
I remember the time on his couch where I clung…
Clung so tight against his body because I didn;t want to give him up.
i knew there was a chance of losing his warmth, comfort, and attention.
I must have known it was coming-
A searing loss that would turn into discomfort day in and day out.
The mornings’ hugh of couldy grey-ness;
The wretched afternoons filled with mind-numbing distractions;
And the sleepless nights spent in lonely shivers.
All because I finally fell…. and fell too late.
So I’m sorry..
i’m sorry for holding you there and never loving you back.
I’m sorry for making you hope and wanting you to change.
I’m sorry for my stubborn heart in never wanting to change or please you
and my impulsive, hypocritical actions against your nurturing pursuit.
I don;t know if I’ll ever be able to tell you this in person, but I’ll tell you this now in spirit and in faith so that you’ll hear it and feel it from worlds away where only time holds us apart…time in our own eyes, unmatched and uncoordinated with the time in God’s.
I look back and realize I’ve always done this.
Chasing phantom dreams; dull illusions.
My past; an antique picture;
A rosy image, with accents of blue.
“Settle down, be here now.”—
A montra to live by,
a constant reminder.
Living forward ; it never satisfies.
Living backward; it never brings joy.
It’s what I’m working on today;
It’s who I’m loving today;
and it’s who I’m living for now that really matters.
But really, my legs couldn’t stop.
I ran to you.
I ran with you.
You brought the sun; I brought the passion.
And we played.
And the corners of my mouth lifted..
As if nothing could feel better.
And as if nothing could make me happier.
No food, clothing, or material thing.
It was satisfaction like never before.
Knowing you and feeling you.
My worries and concerns;
Like tumble weeds, I watched them drift away.
Can I really meet my match?
Like this? On a high?
On an adventure yet again?
My sultry and solemn days,
Cause me to burrow deep..
Detached and isolated.
They contrast with the sun you’ve shown me.
A high; brightly colored like a kite.
Fold into me;
Fit into my life as I continue to run.